Authenticity

I just turned 30, which for most symbolically ends the period of life dedicated to experimentation and youthful energy. This newsletter is a reflection of my last decade and what I hope to do moving forward. I know that I have a lot more to give to my family and to this world, but it starts with giving more to myself.

I have spent a lot of time and energy on trying to do too much at the same time. I often feel like I am being pulled in 20 directions at once and as a result I never move far from where I am currently. In some respects I have grown significantly, in others I can only recognize my growth when reflecting on how I used to be, and in the rest I don’t feel much difference.

My biggest recent issue seems to be a focus on short term gain over long term investment. I want everything now and as a result I am pulled into the world of instant gratification for things such as how I entertain myself, how I consume content, how I take care of my health, how I relax, how I work, and how I look for opportunities.

The thing is, that was never how I was for my entire life prior. I’ve always enjoyed taking a slower approach to things. I like to hustle and go fast when the season or situation demands it (I love being in a flow state), but I don’t like having that be my default because I’ve noticed I often will overlook things from becoming mentally fatigued and lazy. Not to mention this leads to poor impulse control from taking the convenient route.

I feel like because of this recent (within the last ~5 years) change in my approach to life, I have made a lot less progress in the areas of life that truly matter to me. I don’t prioritize the things that matter most to me because I feel like I have to go through my days checking off the boxes of things I should do instead of allowing myself to be present and enjoy the journey to an end goal I’ve intentionally chosen.

A lot of this I think can be chalked up to insecurity and anxiety over the unknown as well as lack of trust in myself and my abilities that I will be able to see things through and figure out the unknowns ahead of me. I have gained a significant amount of responsibilities in the last decade mostly stemming from my big decisions/events over my 20s:

Some of those were planned and executed as expected, but others were the result of impulsive action on my end or things outside of my control.

As I enter my 30s I want to move forward with the wisdom I’ve gained from my experiences so far in life and utilize that knowledge to live life more on my own terms. Through reflection I’ve realized a big component to this is returning to a more authentic version of myself and maintaining that identity.

I’ve let a lot of myself get squished by external factors to the point that my inner voice is rarely heard. It’s hard to nurture something if you keep it locked away and don’t give it a chance to be seen or heard. I also feel guilty about setting the necessary boundaries to allow for myself to nurture my identity which at best leads to fatigue and at worst leads to resentment.

I’ve been putting off and procrastinating the unknown, the failures I’ll encounter, the experiences I’ll have, and the memories I’ll make out of fear that I’ll just keep falling back into my recent old ways or that I will hurt my relationships by being more selfish.

Going forward I’ve recognized what I need to adjust and do to get back to the version of myself that I feel like is the authentic version of myself. I have to set boundaries, I have to be intentional, and I have to have a plan I can execute and follow in order to know if what I’m doing is working or not.

I have to start saying no to the people close to me and I have to start saying yes to myself. I have to stop doing things that are immediately gratifying and replace them with actions that will make me grow into the kind of person I want to be.

I went through an exercise this week to reflect and prioritize what is essential and what I need to cut out. I also identified areas where I need to shift my mindset to help me work towards the kind of person I know I can be. These are compiled into a document currently but the highlights are:

I want my family and those around me to keep me accountable and reinforce these behaviors by reminding me if they notice. I know I won’t be perfect but I hope to get better over time. I’m hoping this will contribute to my ability to be my authentic self.

My major behaviors that are detracting from my ability to cultivate my authentic self are unintentional electronic use and my inconsistent sleep schedule. It’s hard for me to be present and focus on what matters most when I am mentally fatigued through poor sleep and a brain that has been filled up with garbage.

I also will adjust my environment to help me be less scattered and able focus on what is most important. That includes making my work spaces set up so that the correct choices are the easy choices and planning out my day each morning so that I know what needs to be done and when.

I’m starting this newsletter back up again and plan to utilize this as a way to document what I’m doing and how things are going.

Thank you for reading.