These are my thoughts on getting laid off a couple of weeks ago.

I feel like I’ve spent the last 4 or so years trying to chase an ideal I didn’t even choose nor want to begin with. I’ve always said, and genuinely meant, I could be happy living in a trailer in the woods with 10 acres or so. I’ve accumulated so much stuff and debt chasing after shiny objects to signal to others things I don’t even care about. Chasing all of my “nice to haves” while neglecting the things I actually need out of life to feel content and fulfilled.

Priorities obviously shift when you gain responsibility because you have to look out for others, but I don’t think you should abandon the part of yourself that keeps you fulfilled. I was the guy who lived by himself in an apartment with more furniture than I needed (my mom insisted I needed 3/4 of the things sitting in there).

All I really needed was a desk, a chair, and a bed (but even then I slept on the floor or my couch a few times a week, or even the floor or couch at a friend’s house). I had much less clothing, my closet only consisted of clothes I really liked and wore often (about 2/3 of my closet was empty space). That’s not to say I was a true minimalist, but I wasn’t into acquiring a bunch of things I didn’t use often.

I pegged a number, income wise, to fulfill my needs and then could save away the excess that I ultimately exceeded but then that income was used to create massive debt I currently have not committed to paying off yet. I started buying things to fill the voids in my life that need to be addressed through focused action.

All I really want out of life is to live simply and within my means. I want to have time freedom and the ability to pursue that which matters to me. I can use the excess I save throughout the year on experiences I want to have, but I don’t like the endless chasing of external consumer goods to fulfill needs you can only fulfill internally.

I’m entering a time of realignment and will come out the other side with clarity and a love for life again. A time I can regain my thirst for life instead of dreading waking up each morning and being excited to go to bed each night.

This is a reminder to myself to remember what makes you enjoy life and to get back to it as soon as you reasonably can. You are the one who decides what you should care about and what you should pursue. You don’t need the things others expect you to acquire to hit the milestones they want for you.

I feel like I’ve just been wasting my time, especially the last couple of years. I haven’t made progress in my career, my fitness, my skills, and it’s my fault. It’s entirely my fault. I’ve lived with no sense of urgency. I’ve been lulled by a false security and living far beyond my means. I haven’t been present in my relationships and I’ve been endlessly seeking things that don’t matter to me while compiling debt to acquire things I don’t need and didn’t even necessarily want.

Getting laid off was a good wake up call to check in and see how I’m really doing. I haven’t earned the luxury of screwing off to the degree I have been. I’m far from secure enough to do that, but I don’t need all that I have. I think it’s time to consciously downsize again and re-prioritize my life.

Ironically, playing Grand Theft Auto V has helped me get back to this state that more closely resembles when I was content. I don’t know if it’s because the last time I played this game I had the mind state I want to cultivate again or if it’s because I don’t care about anything in that game but gaining assets, creating cash flow, and focusing on the objectives at hand to complete the mission I’m on. That’s how I used to be in my life. I didn’t care about spending money on things, I cared about spending it on investments (whether those were financial, health, or lifestyle improvements).

I’ve stopped having fun in life, and my wife called this out years ago. The thing is though, what I call fun doesn’t contribute to a life that she seems to want. The life we have now stresses me out and that’s a big reason why I’m not having fun. I need to figure out how to again, but I don’t see a way to adapt to having fun with a lifestyle I don’t enjoy. I need to get back to being okay with less and stop trying to keep up with a rat race I don’t want to be in to begin with.

It’s honestly a good thing ultimately that I was laid off. I was disliking my job more by the day and it was morphing into something I never wanted to do. I felt like we were being squeezed for every last bit of productivity once they realized they could outsource our roles to India and have 4 people for the price of one me. It makes perfect sense economically, but I didn’t think 2 years in I would still be in the role I started in so I wasn’t that worried originally.

Again, it’s my fault for this happening. I grew comfortable in some aspects and stopped striving for more. I allowed myself to focus more on my job than growing my skills. The path I was heading down, I didn’t realistically know when I would ever leave the job on my own accord. Now all that’s left for me to do is enforce better boundaries with my family to have more time to pursue my interests and sharpen the skills I need to do what I actually enjoy doing.

I’m comfortable enough materially that I realistically only need to have enough money to buy what my kids need, keep our car running, and buy food. I’m satisfied saving and waiting until I have the ability to earn large sums. It’s not a question of “if” anymore, it’s a question of “when” now.

I have a unique opportunity to chase after what I want and I am going to do so. I am going to live with boundaries that allow me to achieve what I need to achieve while focusing in on activities that bring me fulfillment. There will be an adjustment period, but it needs to happen to ensure I do not fall back on old habits and ways of being.

I know what I need to do, going forward is all about execution.

Until next week,

Ian